'burglarized'

usually, when it comes to night time... i'm feeling pretty ok and I can fall asleep... not last night... granted i got chemo yesterday.. but still .. like 5 min before i wanted to get up and go to bed.. lets just say my stomach came up... and violently.. its was so bad that i still am feeling sick from it...most of the the time when that happens it actually makes me feel better, again, not last night.. i think i scratched up my throat a little bit.. agh.. i feel sooo sick.. it's times like these that i wish i could just sleep it all away... not all is bad though.. my wife made me the most delicious grilled cheese I have had in a while.. it REALLY hit the spot.. the cheese was all gooey and the bread was toasted just right... something i forgot to mention in the 'introductions'.. is that i LOVE food.. i will be talking about it a lot.. every since i've been diagnosed.. i spend the majority of my time watching the food network...i've learnt a lot.. and i really want to put the things i've learnt into practice but i don't feel energetic most of the time.. so that's one thing i'm looking forward to when i do finish this atrocity--cooking...i think maybe the reason why i like it so much now is because it's the only thing that i have somewhat of control of.. i'm stuck at home, can't go to school, can't see friends, can't do the things i want, don't have energy for anything... the only thing that changes or that can change everyday are the things i eat... but i have to eat properly... for my health...

i've been feeling pretty guilty about my disease these days cause i feel like i'm making my wife's life boring.. she has had to drop out of school and take care of me.. so my life is basically her life.. but she's not sick right so it can get pretty mundane for her after she is done taking care of me you know... she recently really misses her twin.. i wish i could feel better and just go with her... my wife never makes me feel guilty though.. it's just a feeling I keep getting because of the situation.. we refer to cancer as "mr.ugly' so i can differentiate between when she's upset at me or cancer... like we say.. i'm just upset at mr.ugly for hanging around right now.. cause i have to tell you it's hard not to take blame for how her life has ended up just because she married me you know... granted.. yes, i didn't choose to get cancer..

side note before i go on.. my wife and I refer to leukemia as 'lucky', and cancer as 'cc' because we don't want to surround ourselves with negative words so i have to incorporate that in this blog.. so now you know what i'm referring to when i say lucky or cc..

so yeah.. i know i didn't choose to get cc.. but i think.. if i didn't have it my wife would be going to school.. doing her own thing.. improving her life.. etc..she wouldn't be stuck at home taking care of me... i have to say though she has the taking care of down... i have no worries for when we have children...

cc takes your youth away from ya when you get it young.. my wife and I are an old couple...i mean i can come to terms with that but I took my wifes youth away from her...how can i feel good about that?... or how can i not feel guilty... i keep telling her that we have it bad now and that when we are in our 30s and 40s we'll have it good and not deal with the stress we would have to deal with.. but still...my wife and I should be traveling when we aren't studying.. we should be experiencing the world .. i mean.. it should be SOO much fun being married and young.. but no... cc takes that away from ya..

i hope i don't sound bitter...because i'm not... i'm just letting you know what cc does..it's fact...one morning you are jack-rabbits in bed, the next, one of you is helping the other off the couch because he has arthritis from the steroids hes getting... at least i know how old people feel.. hahahaha..(*rolling my eyes*)..

one last thing.. just incase there are those critics out there.. i'm not going to proof read my stuff.. i barely have the energy to type this up.. :P