coming soon

i haven't gone anywhere.. just waiting for some energy... rega bevakasha

agh

too weak to write.

'burglarized'

usually, when it comes to night time... i'm feeling pretty ok and I can fall asleep... not last night... granted i got chemo yesterday.. but still .. like 5 min before i wanted to get up and go to bed.. lets just say my stomach came up... and violently.. its was so bad that i still am feeling sick from it...most of the the time when that happens it actually makes me feel better, again, not last night.. i think i scratched up my throat a little bit.. agh.. i feel sooo sick.. it's times like these that i wish i could just sleep it all away... not all is bad though.. my wife made me the most delicious grilled cheese I have had in a while.. it REALLY hit the spot.. the cheese was all gooey and the bread was toasted just right... something i forgot to mention in the 'introductions'.. is that i LOVE food.. i will be talking about it a lot.. every since i've been diagnosed.. i spend the majority of my time watching the food network...i've learnt a lot.. and i really want to put the things i've learnt into practice but i don't feel energetic most of the time.. so that's one thing i'm looking forward to when i do finish this atrocity--cooking...i think maybe the reason why i like it so much now is because it's the only thing that i have somewhat of control of.. i'm stuck at home, can't go to school, can't see friends, can't do the things i want, don't have energy for anything... the only thing that changes or that can change everyday are the things i eat... but i have to eat properly... for my health...

i've been feeling pretty guilty about my disease these days cause i feel like i'm making my wife's life boring.. she has had to drop out of school and take care of me.. so my life is basically her life.. but she's not sick right so it can get pretty mundane for her after she is done taking care of me you know... she recently really misses her twin.. i wish i could feel better and just go with her... my wife never makes me feel guilty though.. it's just a feeling I keep getting because of the situation.. we refer to cancer as "mr.ugly' so i can differentiate between when she's upset at me or cancer... like we say.. i'm just upset at mr.ugly for hanging around right now.. cause i have to tell you it's hard not to take blame for how her life has ended up just because she married me you know... granted.. yes, i didn't choose to get cancer..

side note before i go on.. my wife and I refer to leukemia as 'lucky', and cancer as 'cc' because we don't want to surround ourselves with negative words so i have to incorporate that in this blog.. so now you know what i'm referring to when i say lucky or cc..

so yeah.. i know i didn't choose to get cc.. but i think.. if i didn't have it my wife would be going to school.. doing her own thing.. improving her life.. etc..she wouldn't be stuck at home taking care of me... i have to say though she has the taking care of down... i have no worries for when we have children...

cc takes your youth away from ya when you get it young.. my wife and I are an old couple...i mean i can come to terms with that but I took my wifes youth away from her...how can i feel good about that?... or how can i not feel guilty... i keep telling her that we have it bad now and that when we are in our 30s and 40s we'll have it good and not deal with the stress we would have to deal with.. but still...my wife and I should be traveling when we aren't studying.. we should be experiencing the world .. i mean.. it should be SOO much fun being married and young.. but no... cc takes that away from ya..

i hope i don't sound bitter...because i'm not... i'm just letting you know what cc does..it's fact...one morning you are jack-rabbits in bed, the next, one of you is helping the other off the couch because he has arthritis from the steroids hes getting... at least i know how old people feel.. hahahaha..(*rolling my eyes*)..

one last thing.. just incase there are those critics out there.. i'm not going to proof read my stuff.. i barely have the energy to type this up.. :P

introductions 2

what i'm about to do I very much don't like...but i understand i can't just jump into my thoughts without some background information.. so if you will allow me i'd like to tell you as much I feel like about myself and how I have come to this point in my life..

My parents are persian, I was born in Canada, and I was raised in China.. my parents moved us there when I was 9 years old.. and I moved back to vancouver for university in 2002. I speak Farsi, English and Mandarin.. home is considered china.. where my parents live.. i have 2 siblings.. a younger brother and sister...I am religious and I believe in the Bahai Faith. After a year and a half of university I went and did 18 months of volunteer work in Israel where I met my wife. We decided to get married within 6 month of our relationship but due to circumstances we had a 2 year, long distance relationship before we could get married. My wife moved to vancouver in 2007 aug.. and a week into us living in the same city (finally) I was diagnosed with Leukemia....

I went into remission fast ..within the first round.. and had treatment until May of the next year.. we got married July 2008 and moved to toronto.. i then relapsed in my CNS in November of that same year.. and now I am going through treatment again.. but this one is longer.. and very .. VERY much harder...

to put in a nut-shell.. the things that effect and affect my life the most would be the following.. china, family, religion, israel, university, leukemia and my wife.

I am hoping this blog will help not only people my age with cancer but friends and family members who are involved one way or another with cancer... I'm not the type of person to go to a support group.. so i guess i'm hoping for this to be my 'support group'

introductions

so about a week ago my brother and 2 of my best friends surprised me at home.. my brother lives in vancouver , one friend is from victoria, and my other friend i grew up with in china, he now lives in NY.. anyways..they surprised me last week...did i mentioned that a few months ago i thought about starting a blog... one thing lead to another and here i am writing a freaking blog.. believe me...i would have never thought i'd be doing this... first of all my writing skills aren't so great.. and literature is just not my thing.. i'm more into "science-y" stuff.. things that are straight forward and are not up for liberal interpretation... like what does the red in this paint splattered canvas represent.. please.. that stuff just doesn't make sense to me..

there are a few reasons why i'm doing this.. one is to keep my friends and family informed.. cause i'm tired of explaining my status repeatedly..not that i don't like talking to them..i just don't have that much energy.. Two. this can potentially be a form of therapy for me, cause believe me i need some form of therapy and there doesn't seem to be much information out there for young couples.. and when i say young.. i mean people who are between the ages of 20 and 25...not early 40's.. whenever i search "young couple with cancer" i get sites comprised of adults who have children and have been married for years.. come on.. you are not young.. you are middle aged.. they should be called middle-aged couples with cancer... i digress...first of all being married at this age isn't common and having cancer at this age isn't common.. so i figured someone has to start talking about it, because i'm sure there are people like me, there just isn't an outlet of some-sort..or at least an age-appropriate outlet.. (my wife is making fun of me blogging right now!!! in a good way.. i love her.. she will come up often in this blog)

another reason i'm doing this .. is cause i'm bored of knowing the TV programming off by heart..

i don't feel like talking about myself right now.. so i'll let you know a little about my wife... she is a princess.. hahahha.. she grew up telling people that.. honestly.. seriously though.. her name comes from a famous princess.. shahrzad.. she's named after the princess in 1001 nights.. don't know if you know about it.. google it if you don't.. i don't feel like explaining...anyways.. she grew up in africa.. in Niger for 5 years and Kenya until she was 15.. then she moved to the US.. she doesn't care much for the US... i mean if you were a 15 year old girl and just moved away from your friends ... you really wouldn't care for wherever you moved...my wife is soo talented but i keep telling her she is a waste of talent...haha cause she has so much of it and could do anything but she doesnt use it... seriously.. she can sing, dance, write better than the average person...she would never call herself an artist.. but she is artistically inclined.. she loves to paint and she loves figure drawing.. she is more into art most probably cause her mom is a fine artist and she was exposed to it a lot growing up.. basically my wife is good at all the things i'm horrible at... i think that's one reason i was attracted to her; i figured she'd enrich my life with things that i know i would never expose myself to...

she goes to art school here in toronto.. to OCAD, and is studying material art and design.. she wants to go into jewelry design.. she also loves to bake.. her dilemma in life is whether she should open up a bakery or have her own jewelry line...

my wife this week is PMS'ing.. for those of you out there who are married.. do you feel my pain when i say this?.. hahaha.. she has her good PMS's and bad ones.. this month is good.. so i'm not complaining at all... you know what.. i probably shouldn't talk about this until she is done PMSing... cause i might catch some hell for it...babe... if you are reading this... I LOVE YOU!!!! and for all those women out there thinking...why is he talking about it... the answer is cause i know there are guys out there that just need to hear that theyre not alone.. i think all married guys should get together and talk about what we have to deal with during PMS.. i think it would be good therapy haha... cause believe me.. .i would feel better if i knew other guys were going through the same thing... and it would make it easier to deal with...so for all you guys out there.. i feel your pain of PMS... or whatever you call it.. the dragon.. the devil.. the crazy person...(my wife calls it the monster)...the caged beast...anyway i feel your effort..

I got chemo today.. so it's starting to make me feel like crap...people ask me what is chemo like.. and the only way i can describe it is.. it's like you are dying from the inside out.. you feel dead inside... it's like im breathing out death...

no good time

so i've been waiting to feel better to start this blog... but when you're a cancer patient you know nothing is certain.. so i might as well start while i'm high off my pain meds cause lets face it i'm not going to be feeling anywhere close to fine for a while...

at the moment i'm sitting on the couch swaying from side to side (cause i can't hold myself straight while i'm drowsy from the pain meds) watching 'the life of david gale'.. interestingly enough the woman in the movie has leukemia.. i hate having to remember what disease i have.. i put on a movie to escape the pain, the nausea.. and BAM... i'm watching someone with cancer.. pfff... don't you notice there is a lot of cancer now-a-days.. or it's probably just me... just because i have it, i notice it more...

i'm getting a bit dizzy .. so i'm going to lie down now...