So i think im angry now....ok i know i am.
Thats a video from over a year ago....and i guess i thought that id be satisfied if things just got a little "better". but im not.
I feel pretty stupid saying it but its been a while now that things are "better" and im starting to notice things I didnt... actually its more like things I couldnt notice before. It started a couple months ago...it was just a thought....its hard to explain but I started to stop being happy that I can finally lift things and walk without getting tired and I started getting mad! I mean is it my life now that being able to walk is something I should be grateful for?! Dont get me wrong...im grateful....you'll never know the feeling unless youve spent a year on the couch but really!??
Im 26.....and for 3 YEARS ive been trying not to die. So is that it? Is me just being alive enough?
I dont think so anymore. I know it sounds weird but i started college at 17 and ive watched people graduate from high school...then from university...then get jobs...all while my body is messing up its ONLY job... i mean while everyones moving forward my stupid body is having a hard time just working properly! so.....as you can see......im angry now.
Ive also started noticing the things ive lost. Yes I survived cancer TWICE.....but now that im alive.....I cant run anymore..... for the rest of my life I cant run...seriously?
I know im ranting...ive probably ranted like this before and not noticed....but im feeling this everyday now and ive figured out something. I feel alone. Actually my wife and I...we feel alone.
We've changed everything to accommodate this disease....but ive started to notice that we're the only ones.....thats not much of a support system if you think about it....
so for now... i guess im angry.
1 comments: